Friday, September 10, 2004


I'm still feeling really happy inside. This is very strange to me -- I need to figure out the source of this feeling...

[Insert a long pause here while I think]

I think I am feeling the joy of knowing my life is heading in a direction that is true to my core. I guess I have never felt this way before, because I have always known there was something more I should be doing -- some responsibility unanswered.

Here is my hypothesis: Something must have clicked inside of me, once I decided that no matter what, I would be going out into the world to help those in most need (see this post) -- the next night is the night I woke up happy and not worried about the Peace Corps process!

For so long, I have been rationalizing the value of what I am currently doing -- I did not realize the toll it was taking on me. So much is changing inside of me right now, parts of me are waking up that have been asleep for a long time.

It's time to get up!

PS: Writing in this journal really does help me to understand myself -- I often make self discoveries as I write a post. Also, I know I would not be writing if you were not reading what I wrote (of course, I have a hit counter). Thank you for being a part of my life!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Emergency Kit Item #5 -- Adventure

One of the quickest ways I can get into a good mood is by going on an adventure. The anticipation of encountering something unexpected (the expectation of the unexpected...) gets me all wound up.

    Once a friend and I went to the airport. We had carefully packed a large assortment of clothing and gear. We knew we were going somewhere far -- we just didn't know where.
    At the airport, we started talking with a ticketing agent. We asked the agent to find the best deal tickets to some other country leaving as soon as possible. The agent found round trip tickets to Spain for just over $600! About an hour later, we were on the plane to Spain.
    Sitting back today, I can still feel the excitement I felt then, as I walked onto the plane.

The times I find the most adventures are those times when I am paying careful attention to what is going on in the present. When things are at their best, one adventure leads right into the next!

Item #5 -- Adventure

I am going to write this message to myself in my thought book and I will draw big 3-d arrows pointing in all directions on the opposite page:

    Go on an adventure right now! I mean it, set this book down and go to a new place.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Strange Energy

Warning*, this is my strangest post yet...

*Journal disclaimer: the thoughts in this post represent the current state of the writer's mind, and should in no way be expected to make complete sense.

All day today, I have felt a strange, positive (yet chaotic) energy inside of me. I know, this sounds strange; when I sit quietly and slow my thoughts, I feel steady warmth in my chest. It is the warmth of uncontrolled happiness.

Last night, I woke up around 1:00 am. I was feeling strangely happy and for some unknown reason, I was no longer worried about not making it into the Peace Corps. I don't know why I was no longer worried, and I don't remember waking up happy like that before.

My brain feels extremely uncluttered, but my thoughts are slightly distracted by the strange energy. Every now and then, a burst shoots into my consciousness and plays with my thoughts in a happy, teasing sort of way that makes me smile.

When I am feeling sad, it can be easy for me to focus on the sadness and let it start to encompass me. Now that this strange happiness is in me, I am going to focus on it and let it pleasantly start to encompass me.

Has anyone else felt this way before?

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

EK and BOT -- Who Would Have Guessed?

I have started to consolidate the meager beginnings of my emergency kit and my Book of Thoughts into to online HTML documents:
There are not a lot of details in either document yet -- I'm not sure why I felt compelled to create separate web pages for them. I guess it's because I hope they will become significant documents in the future.
The Book of Thoughts looses some of its effect rendered with computer based fonts. Maybe I will scan the pages of the real book (after I make it) and post them on its website. Sometimes it takes real hand writing to get the full message across.
For Christmas last year, I made thought books for some members of my family. I guess this book will be for me. All I can say is that: I hope it gets to travel to another country.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Deep Down

Deep down, I have always known that I was continually impacting the world. I tried to avoid thinking about it; because when I thought about it, I realized I had more responsibility than I wanted.

The funny thing about responsibility is that once I have it, it's hard to get rid of, and not thinking about it doesn't always make it go away.

The busier I was, the easier it was to not think about my responsibility to the world. If I was really busy, thoughts of my own tasks, problems, and dreams would completely push world thoughts out of my consciousness. In this busy state, life pleasantly zoomed by. I felt awake because of all my busy tasks, but really I was asleep to what was deep down inside of me.

I did not realize what would eventually happen (it has taken a couple of years) when I decided to slow down my life and my thoughts. Strangely, when I freed up some space in my mind it got filled with things that really mattered, and I began to learn who I was.

I am still working to free space up in my mind -- it's a continual battle. Although, now I wonder (with excitement) what I will discover next, hidden deep down in there.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

True and Best

I have been reading posts from a very informative Yahoo! Group about being a Peace Corps volunteer. The group has a lot of information about individuals working through the process of becoming a Peace Corps volunteer. I did not have to read very many posts to spot some very interesting trends:

  • Many people are waiting. They are waiting for clearance to the next step in the process, and it is hard for them to be patient.
  • Many of the people waiting to become volunteers are vigorously searching for more information on the process of becoming invited to the Peace Corps.
  • When someone is finally invited, there is a collective sigh of relief for the invitee, and I think, some small pangs of envy in others (like me).

I am beginning to understand that two things are needed during the process of becoming an invitee:

  • Patience
  • Extra Patience

I know for myself, once I decided to try for the Peace Corps, I began to imagine how it might change my life. I began to realize that finally there was a really good chance that I would be getting rid of most of my material belongings, going some place else, learning a new language, and helping in a way that I have only dreamed of before. These thoughts created a "fertile ground" for some core feelings and values deep within me. Already, since late July, those core feelings and values have grown and I feel like I am moving closer to the true and best me.

Now, if I think about not making it into the Peace Corps, I become sad. Mostly because I am afraid I will loose that fertile ground and eventually be sucked back into the old equation for my life; and slowly, the movement towards a true and best me will become a memory.

This means that I need a backup plan! I will make the following deal with myself:

  • If I do not make it into the Peace Corps, I will find a way to go out into this world to someplace where my skills can provide the most help for those in most need.