Not My Decisions

Not everyone in my family is as excited about me trying to join the Peace Corps as I am. Actually, I think a better way to describe it would be: they have significant concerns. I guess that if our family was not a close family, they would not have so much concern. I can sense their angst -- they want me to go forward and meet the challenges of my life, and they also do not want to see me (or my children) suffer from decisions I may not understand completely. I know this is because they want me to live a happy, safe life...

One of my daughters is beginning to make big decisions regarding her life. This has been very hard for me. I don't think I want her to change -- I have become very used to how we are together and how she is (I mean was). I am also very scared at times because I do not think she realizes some of the very likely consequences of her decisions. I care for her so much -- I wish she could make it through life easy, without the big mistakes I made. I want her to be happy, and I am afraid the consequences of her decisions might lead to a more difficult life for her...

I have spent a great time thinking about what things I can say to my family to ease their concern. I have tried to tell them key thoughts that I have, in hopes that these might help them see what is in me, and why the Peace Corps is right for me. I think that this has left them confused, and me feeling empty. I have not come up with the magic words to make this easy for us...

I have been waiting for my daughter to say some magic words to me that will reduce my concern about her decisions and her future happiness. I can tell she has been searching for those words. I know that she wants me to be as happy about her future as she is. I can also see that she has also begun to feel sad because she can not find those words that I am waiting for. I can see now, as I am typing this, I am not making this easy for us...

It would be easier if my daughter would make the decisions I want her to make, but then I guess they would not be her decisions. She has been trying to tell me this, but my ears were filled with my fears of her future. Her love for me, and her patience with me have proven to be stronger than any magic words.

To my family: I love you, and I will be patient.