Monsters

Last night, I escorted a friend to her house. This involved taking a taxi with her, deep into one of the locations of Windhoek. A location is like a ghetto; and this location was about an hour walk from town. It was around 10 pm, and there were not many taxis out and about.

The taxi that my friend and I were in was not headed back to town. After dropping my friend near her house I was dropped at the nearest petro station where the driver thought I might be able to find a different taxi that would take me into town.

I waited at the petro station for about 15 minutes, before finding a taxi that was willing to take me back into town. I noticed my driver was going to buy more petro, so I paid him in advance. As we were driving away from the petro station, he asked if it was alright if we quickly made a turn (I quick stop at one of his friend's houses) before heading into the town. I said "sure, no problem."

The driver was thoughtful for a moment, and then made the following question-statement "you’re not afraid?" I told him "no, I live in a location in Southern Namibia."

For a while, we talked about locations and how white people did not go into them.

With a calm seriousness, the black driver said to me, "will you tell the rest of them that we are not monsters? We are people just like them."

Shoulders

People are all around me, and yet I am alone. I look and see the people moving into groups – they think they are coming together. They seem to feel a sense of accomplishment and comfort as they group up; but they are actually just separating, and I am the only one that seems to notice. Tears begin pouring inside of me, and I yell “We are not different! We are all the same!” I fall down weeping.

Those important pieces of me seem to be separating – for how can it be otherwise? I feel that I am in everyone, and everyone is in me.

At some point a hand gently comes to my shoulder. My body is worn from weeping, and in my despair, I turn to see a woman. She is beautiful and strange and quiet and she does not look at all like me. She holds me until I stop weeping. With strength and love and tenderness she smiles and slowly says to me: “We are not different, we are just the same.” I want to melt into her, and stay with her forever, but she is already gone.

As I stand up, I see that the other people have not moved; but even so, I now see only one big group of People. I am happy as I realize I can walk amongst all the people. I gently go forward and touch each of their shoulders.

Away From Blog City

Just wanted everyone to know that I am OK, and that I am just away from Blog City.

My life continues to be in full color, leaving little time for blogging. I will be back in the States at the end of May to attend my daughter's wedding -- Yay!

I hope things are OK with you,
Jay.

Merry Christmas Eve!

It's Christmas Eve, and even though I am missing my family greatly, I am in good spirits.

In my Peace Corps service, I am regularly getting to face my demons. Sometimes they bring me down for a while, but in the end they are the ones going down town. As for right now, they are all mostly down town for the holidays. :-)

In just a few months, my parents are coming to visit me. I am very excited for their visit. I am excited to see them, and their reaction to Namibia and its people. I am hoping it will be a life changing event for them.

I am feeling more and more at home in my community, and I feel like I have many friends here. Now if I could just find some snow and a decorated Christmas tree.


Happy Holidays, and a Joyful New Year!

Fear of Engulfment

Ok, I have been doing some reading.

I think I have put a better name to my ailment. It’s not the fear of intimacy that plagues me; rather, it is the fear of engulfment -- of being invaded, of being controlled, and then losing myself.

I guess this paragraph pretty well sums it all up -- I found it on the web:

“When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.”

It is true, I am afraid of losing myself…I have just started to really like myself, and the thought of losing who I am that makes me quake in my boots; specially because it has happened to me a few times before.

I do not want to loose who I am becoming.