Fear of Engulfment

Ok, I have been doing some reading.

I think I have put a better name to my ailment. It’s not the fear of intimacy that plagues me; rather, it is the fear of engulfment -- of being invaded, of being controlled, and then losing myself.

I guess this paragraph pretty well sums it all up -- I found it on the web:

“When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.”

It is true, I am afraid of losing myself…I have just started to really like myself, and the thought of losing who I am that makes me quake in my boots; specially because it has happened to me a few times before.

I do not want to loose who I am becoming.

A Perfect Excuse

More than a few times in my life, I have been asked the same question by different people. The question always disarmed me, and each time, it was asked I would frantically search inside myself for the answer. After a brief moment, I would carefully cloak myself in all the calmness I could muster, and answer “I’m not sure, I guess I like adventures”.

The question I dreaded being asked was: What are you searching for?

For a long time I have had a slow, strong, deep desire – a sort of warm longing for some unknown thing. For whatever reason, until today, I was unable to put a name to that desire.

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I have found that Peace Corps service is amplifying my shortcomings, and through this amplification is providing me an opportunity to face those shortcomings head on (free from the many distractions found in the States).

Such service, being far from home, in another country, trying to understand another culture, trying to give meaningful help to others, trying to understand what making a difference really means, has given me many opportunities to look inside myself and face those things lurking there.

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I have not written much in my blog much since arriving in Namibia, nor have I written much email back home to my family and friends. This has bothered me, and I have made many excuses to myself and others in an effort to explain away this shortcoming on my part. Just today, a series of events occurred which helped me to understand this shortcoming, and helped me put a name to what I have been searching for, for so long.

Today, during a discussion with a friend, I was forced to face my lack of discourse with those back home. I was frustrated with the questions and statements my friend made, and I was surprised by my frustration. My reaction forced me once again to search in myself in an effort to understand why such innocent questions by my friend would cause such a strong reaction in me.
Peace Corps service can bring about a certain clarity of mind, much like being a hermit or shepherd might provide. For the past couple of days, I have been experiencing a wonderful calmness and clarity of mind. It is my luck that this clarity occurred in conjunction with my unplanned inner search.

I began asking myself: What am I afraid of? Why am I avoiding interactions with those people that mean so much to me? A series of answers and questions moved through my thoughts. Seemingly unconnected thoughts and feelings began to connect. I could probably capture some of those connections in this blog entry, but those deep inner workings of my mind are difficult to write down in a comprehensible manner…so, I will cut to the chase.

• I have vividly realized the one thing I am searching for is: emotional intimacy.
• I have finally admitted to myself the one thing I am deathly afraid of is: emotional intimacy.

What an ironic thing, to be afraid of the one thing I want the most.

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I have been spending all of my extra energy in Namibia meeting many new people. It is easy to meet new people here, because many people are curious to why I’m here. I guess it is one of the perks of being a stranger in a strange land.

The brief interactions I have with new people provide me a small portion of the intimacy I am searching for. There is for me, a wonderful feeling of warmth, the first time I exchange smiles with a new person. Each day, I am able to meet so many new people, that if I try hard enough, I am able to do a pretty good job of satisfying my need for intimacy. But, it is only an illusion – only a temporary fix.

This temporary fix, this far away, relatively unconnected place has given me the freedom to avoid that intimacy that I am so afraid of. It has also given me a temporary solution to my longing, through many warm, brief interactions with curious new people, but in the end it is a relatively empty self-medication.

I guess I have always been running away from intimacy. I just never had the courage to do it well enough -- because I did not have a strong enough excuse, an excuse like Peace Corps service.

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For all of you that I have been avoiding, please know that it is nothing you have done.

Please be happy, that the same service that has allowed me to withdraw for awhile has also helped me to acknowledge my biggest fear, my fear of intimacy. Know that I will be working hard to understand this fear because it is standing directly in the way of what I most desire.

Thank you to a friend, her father, and an email they shared, that was then shared with me.

Pods

Today I went for a walk with Sisi and Sirus (the two dogs that follow me when I walk). Sisi is a very large Ridgeback and has only one eye. Sirus (the virus) is a very small bristly haired mutt that likes to pick fights with dogs that are five times as big as he is.

We walked to the natural spring that is by my flat. For a while, I sat on a dirt pile and watched children gather wood and water for their families. The children that gather wood and water can be very young. I saw two boys around the age of 5 carrying small metal axes to help them gather wood.

There was a small group of children at the spring. They kept waving and yelling to me. Whenever I would wave back, they would laugh and cheer. It was a happy little game that we played for a short time. The children would alternate who would wave at me. I think they were trying to see if they each, in turn, could get the same response from me. It is rare for white people to be in the Location, and even more rare for them to wave back at children.

After the group of children had gathered some water from the spring, they walked to a group of nearby trees and began throwing rocks up into the branches of the trees. I was thinking they must be trying to knock some sort of fruit down. I was wrong; they were trying to knock a certain type of dried pod down from the tree branches. I'm not sure what they were going to do with the pods. Up North, I know that people feed them to goats, but there are not many goats here. I have tried to burn the pods myself, and I can tell you that they don't burn very well.

I walked over to the children, and used my slingshot to help shoot some pods down. They did not know what to think of the strange white man, with two mismatched dogs, and a slingshot. At first, only one boy was standing by me (the others had retreated to a nearby tree). The brave boy quickly called the other children over to me, when he determined that I was safe.

Another boy pulled out his own, home-made slingshot, and together we shot down pods.

Feeling My White-ness

Back in the States, I almost never thought of my skin color. If I did think about it at all, it was due to a direct conversation with another person about skin color.

Here in Namibia, I think about my skin color many times each day.

Most often, my recognition of my own skin color, occurs when something unexpected happens during an interaction with another person. And then, in that first moment of unexpected-ness, this question leaps through my mind:

Did that just happen because I am white?

Sometimes the situation is comical, sometimes its scary, and sometimes it just makes me mad. The good news is, I am slowly getting used to the whole idea, and now I mostly find the situations comical.

This does help me understand, if even only in a small way, what minorities in the States experience every day.

Jays Phat Mac

My Mac is back in operation!

The environment here in Namibia is very tough on computers: extreme heat, dust, extreme heat, dust, and more dust. Most of the volunteers in my Peace Corps group with laptops are experience one or more significant problems with their laptop.

Until just this past weekend, my laptop was randomly and routinely crashing. It especially crashed whenever I would try to use the mail application. This made it very difficult (and very frustrating) to send email.

Somehow, I stumbled upon a great piece of Mac software called "Carbon Copy Cloner" produced by Mike Bombich. The wonderful application is donation-ware. That means you can use it for free, and if you like it, you should donate money to the developer.

This software is so useful that it help fixed my computer, the computer of another Peace Corps volunteer, and there is yet another volunteer on deck to have her Mac fixed as soon as she can travel down to my place in Southern Namibia.

This post is an official "shout out" to Mike and his great program. You have been a tremendous help to Peace Corps volunteers in Namibia!