Sunday, September 12, 2004

In an Instant

I have been thinking about my perception of time. I've been trying to notice when I am patient with time, and when I am impatient with time. I know that many times when I get lost, I begin to become impatient with time -- time starts to matter more:

Time starts to close in around me.

In this state, I become very aware that time is running out. I recognize I am not where I should be, or at least not going where I should be going. As soon as I become un-lost, time seems to fall away; I take a deep breath and feel very relaxed.

The fact that moving from lost to un-lost can happen so quickly makes it a wonderful event to study. One moment I have no idea where I am at; the next moment I see something familiar and all is well -- the situation completly changes in an instant. One moment I am impatient with time; the next I am patient with it.

This analogy is important, because these last few days I have been feeling much more patient with time; I've taken a gi-normous deep breath and feel very relaxed. Something has changed in an instant.

I now admit that I was feeling lost in my life. It was a subtle (but strong) feeling of being lost. Sometimes it would appear to me as loneliness, but that was only a symptom. I was headed in the wrong direction and time was beginning to close in around me.

I was surprised (and a little unnerved) how quickly and intensely my feelings changed a few days ago until I started thinking about what usually happens when I move from being lost to un-lost.

No comments: